Last night we went to Carl's parents house for Foley family FHE. The kids weren't happy when we told them we had to go. It was a school night though so we left around 7, a little later then I had hoped to leave. (I like to be starting the bedtime routine by 7 at the latest.)
After we got home and I was in the girls room putting them to bed Addi says, "Mom, I know why your mean to us when you are." I was suddenly very curious and wondering what her mind had determined. I was sure it was something about me just being a mean mom.
She completely surprised me though. When I asked "why is it?" She replied "because you just want what's best for us. You want us to be happy and healthy." She is only 5, yet seems to have such a deep understanding at times. I know when I was 5 my mind was not thinking anywhere near as deep as hers does.
I know it sounds so stupid but it truly made me so happy to hear this. I thought, "maybe what I'm trying so hard to do everyday really is starting to work. Maybe I'm doing okay."
Being a mom truly is the hardest thing I've EVER done. I'm so grateful for the opportunity I have to be a Mommy to these amazing little spirits. It truly baffles me each day why our all wise Father in Heaven entrusted them to me, but I am forever thankful that he did.
This morning I woke up feeling uneasy about my day as I was saying my morning prayers. Each morning when I pray I ask to know what the most important thing is I need to do that day. This morning I couldn't get a clear answer on that and just felt uneasy about my families well being. Because of this I started to worry that today would be the day that my little world would fall apart. I was worried one of my babies would die. Something would happy to my amazing husband. I couldn't figure it out, I was just uneasy. I prayed to God to give me the strength and faith to do whatever would be required of me this day.
I went into the boys room. They were both still alive and breathing fine. I went into the girls room. They were both alive and breathing fine. Carl was still alive and snoring quite contentedly. Everything so far was fine and normal. Because of my uneasy feeling I decided to stay home from the gym and do the elliptical in the basement. I felt like if I went to the gym and something went wrong at home I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for being so selfish and going to the gym.
Everything was fine all morning. Spencer has had a really hard time going to school since spring break. Usually he cries a little or a lot about it each morning. I usually hold it together until he's out of the car and then I let the tears fall. I HATE sending them to school crying. Especially when they're truly sad or nervous. It's not a for crying. Just sad. I know he needs to go though and each day after school he says it was a good day. He truly just misses home and wants to stay home.
Since this has started happening He and I say a prayer together each morning. With him in my arms we pray for his day at school. Keep him safe. Help him follow the spirit. Let him feel our love for him. Let him feel God's love for him. Let me know what to do to help him. Let me feel and follow the Promptings of the spirit to help him. Etc.
We did all this today like usual. He went to school. I teared up a little like usual and the day went on.
All day in my mind though I was second guessing used. Had I done the right thing? Was he really going to be okay at school today? If something happened to him could I ever forgiven myself for being wrong? So many questions with no answered. I just kept praying. I felt peace, but confusion also. I had to keep reminding myself confusion and fear come from satan, not God. God gives us peace and strength.
Then Addi didn't want to go today, she's PM kindergarten. It was the same thing all over again. Now I was really second guessing myself. Yet, I felt peace and made her go.
Because of my uneasy feelings today I didn't do the errands I was going to do, just in case. I stayed home other then the necessary school runs. I'm not sure that I've ever been so relieved to see both off children after school. I'm always excited to see them, but today it was complete relief with it. I still had a million questions going through my mind about if I was doing all the right things for them, but the school dilemma was over. They both were completely happy and said they'd had great days. When we got home I talked to each of them quietly and alone to confirm everything really was okay at school. They were fine and happy. Both back home safely with me.
At the end of the day my family is now all home in their beds and safe. Carl is snoring by my side. All is right in my world. I have no clue why I had such an uneasy feeling about today, but I know I am so thankful we have a loving Father in Heaven who hears our prayers. Each and every prayer. I'm so grateful to know that I truly can have the Holy Ghost as my constant companion to lead me each day in my decisions. I'm grateful for eternal families and temples. I know no matter what life brings me I can get through it with God's help and guidance.
So as I go through my journey of motherhood constantly doubting myself, my decisions, and my abilities; I'm so grateful to know that at least I've got God on my side. He gave me these precious amazing spirits to bless my life and home, and I find constant comfort in knowing both God and I just want what's best for them. So as I live each day second guessing myself I find comfort in knowing I can always pray for help and guidance. Anytime. Anywhere.
I'm sure I'll always doubt my abilities and actions as a mother, even when they're all moved away. But today and each day I have with them I will give it my all.
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